Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Letting Go

Fact of the day: By telling someone to 'not fall' off the tree, you are making him fall, because to not do it, he imagined falling. Instead, say, 'hold on tight!'
This is called "Toxic word".

I've always been terrified of letting go.
I don't see the point of hiding it now.

I don't have the best memory-capacity. Most of the time I tend to forget easily. On the other hand, I've always liked my memories, the time I spent with others. I don't want to forget them. I don't think my family knew that, since they told me I look too apathetic. I never told them what's wrong.

For someone who has been telling others to talk, I sure sound like a hypocrite. I just thought I could one day overcome it by myself. Apathy was something I didn't really expect, though. Maybe because I looked antisocial- but that happen when I feel uncomfortable with the company. Or maybe I looked rather "lost-in-the-clouds." Either way, it didn't feel nice, but I just shrug. It was my fault to begin with.

So sometimes I close the door or wait until late before I let myself huddle with a blanket and wallow in misery. They mostly involve reading fanfictions. I don't cry unless there's nobody home. I have a reputation to keep.

Speaking of reputation, do you know what was my reputations? Back when I was in 4/5th grade, my classmates thought I was weird because my friends regarded me as a third wheel. Not exactly nice, since I take my friends' beatings, but I let it slide. Then they simply avoided me without a reason. Naturally, I tried to ask why. It took me a while to embrace aloneness. Two years later my friend added me on Facebook, and asked, 'Why did we fight anyways?'
I laughed. I was tempted to write, 'It wasn't a fight, moron. You avoided me,' but instead, I wrote, 'I don't know either.'
Let the girl stay guiltless. I already let it go.

I moved to Jordan when I was in 5th grade, second semester. I stayed quiet, until some students got me angry. It was proven to be a bad idea. My first and favoured weapon was my jacket. Don't take it lightly- I put so much things inside its pocket, including but not only chains of my key, wallet, LOTS of coins, and such. Turned I wasn't so quiet after all. None of the teachers knew, except maybe some who had seen me but never said anything. I think it had something to do with my quietness at class (and grades), my Math teacher didn't believe it when someone reported me being violent. He was called ridiculous for even suggesting such thing.
My reputation was not a good one among students. Teachers loved me.

Last year I accepted my introversion. I began to feel more at ease being who I am. I surrounded myself in knowledge, content with just learning. Of course, there's no such thing as an extrovert who understood introverts. Others regarded me as a queer person, with my ability to talk English better than teachers, and all the things I talked about. Months ago a friend told me what others thought of me- I was too ahead of others,  in a way they can't keep up. I thanked her.
But my bad reputation went on far before that. A guy thought it was funny to bully. I challenged him.

I was the first one, let alone a girl, who dared to go against him.
And apparently running after someone shouting obscenities in English made others think twice before approaching me.

I think I'm actually nicer than others think. I try to help others, and I am more sensitive than most. Sure, I'm stern, but only when I think others are doing something wrong. I think bullying is wrong. I show it.
Being loyal hurts you when other didn't think twice before casting you aside. But at least it shows that you are not as shallow as them.

Back to letting go of the past, I used to have problems with the thought. I thought that letting go meant I would have to forget what made me Me. Letting go of people who didn't care for me might sound easy, but they were my friend. A part of me even asked why I thought they were friends when they didn't even care when I left school.
The scariest part of letting go was the thought if I let go, would that leave me with nothing when the person die? It scared me so much, the thoughts of my parents dying. Sometimes I even cried. Haha, yeah, I'm a sissy.

Now I handled it better though. I see that letting go is merely freeing yourself from chains that held you back from doing something.

I guess I changed a lot in a few years. I'm a proud introvert and the resident queer girl, but nobody picked on me because I can put up quite a debate. Usually I end it with a smile and, 'Teaches you to not debate about something you don't know, hon.'
And as usual, nobody understood.
Right now I'm putting up an extroverted front and calling introverts around me. My goal is to make them comfortable being THEM, because yes, they are special. No, they don't have to change their nature to better fit the society. Although, I might have made them do what they think is right.
Vox Veritas Vita - Speak truth as a way of life.
Spread truth around! Now I shall go and buy myself food before my grandma won't let me.

-The queer girlie who laughs at other's state.

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