An extremist's thoughts

Being a contradictory human being I am, I've always found that while I hate seeing innocent people being hurt, I have a secretly burning hatred toward humanity. But don't worry, fourteen years and I've never made any sense, so it's safe to disregard me.

I find humans to be frustrating. Including me. Being around people is enjoyable and awful experience I can't even keep things straight. It's a mixture of "this feels nice" and "what is wrong with you people?" The latter part is screamed when I am around teenagers. Clearly I am a troubled child.

No, it's actually worse when I'm in my in-the-gutter mood. Not the perverted kind-- the depressing one. I was never suicidal. But I am very critical. Mix that with the current state of the world and voila.

We're destroying Earth. I hate humans for that. Sometimes I think that the only way to keep us down is to truly oppress us. Total dictatorship, whatever. No one cares about that part. Or maybe you know, cut the problem down its roots. I hope you know what I'm implying.

A million thoughts, and one

There is one thing I want to be. I don't know why. I want to change the world.
But what am I? One girl asking impossible questions, grasping for the explanation why the stars shine bright. I know why. It is so hot it emits heat, spinning at the speed of, who knows, light.
It reminds me of Sherina.

Mengapa bintang bersinar,

Mengapa air mengalir,

Mengapa dunia berputar,

Lihat segalanya lebih dekat dan kau

Akan mengerti.

Why do stars shine,

Why do water flow,

Why does the Earth spin,

Look at everything more closely and you

Will understand.

Nostalgias aside, I don't know whether I shall pursue my burning curiosity about the universe, or the more social parts and become someone with a standing, title to change things. I am told I have potential, but anyone who does anything other than what others do are told that.

I am told that I have a talent in writing. Surprising, considering that I was afraid of writing years ago. However, I don't believe people telling me my talent is drawing. I learn all of that, it's not a part of me since the beginning. It grows.

Writing is something new to me. I have curiosity, want to learn everything, including this handy little skill that grows big. That is why I try to write. Words flow easier than drawing does, but I shall judge after everything is done. We'll see.

Day 12

I need to get writing.

Word Count: 23.074

Boxes and the world

My Religion teacher said something about my class's aura. There were some points, but one struck particularly close to home.
"One of the student here is a bit apathetic and yet s/he cares. Literally. And one day s/he will be the person who would help the others."
I have a bit of love/hate relationship with humanity. In one hand, I don't care about teenagers and their trends. But I care about humanity in general. And the love/hate part is literal, as I DO love humanity and hate it at the same time.
He never stated who it was. But darn, it felt like he was reading me.
And if that was actually me (Haha, keep on dreaming.), I'd be like... ecstatic. Being helpful? What I'd give for that to happen!

I've been feeling like doing quizzes. You know, being the useless couch potato I am, I love quizzes. It gives me a sort of insight to myself. Picture quizzes doesn't give away answers.
One of the results is...
You Are A Creative Dreamer
You dream big, and you often are willing to think of ideas that others wouldn't dare dream about.
You don't just think outside the box - you're not even aware of the box being there!
You can solve problems that other people think are impossible. You always explore all options.
Where others see nothing, you see possibilities. For you, the world is rich with potential.
Pretty much hits it. Box? What box? No matter how much I twist it, I really can't imagine a box.

I'm happy today. I went home practically skipping and snatched a yoghurt, Yakult, a couple of water guava things and today my mom made good food. Got 10 on my Maths test, although I'm not sure if I passed Physics. Still, I'm hopeful-- I remember nearly all the theories and the formulas. So yes, I'm in a generally good mood. Looks like my little grey cloud passed!

Evening song

[Song] of the day: Der Mond ist aufgegangen (The moon has risen) - Traditional German Folk Song

Today I am decidedly happy.
I've been procrastinating, I know that, with writing. I'm rather lazy with writing sometimes, I mean like doing longhand. Most people recommend it, but really, I love a clean white sheet so much I hate it when the eraser goes sadistic on me and leave ugly grey marks. Back to topic, I feel strangely more content writing on my laptop. It's just... nicer, how I can type and erase and not leave a mark.

Ahem. So, earlier today, I tried to just write spontaneously. You see, I'm the perfectionist sort of person, and cannot start these things without a base idea that I deem good enough. While I do go spontaneous when brainstorming, I never do it anywhere else. Everything had to go through my mind filter, because I'm both artistic and logical.

I know I'm queer.

The thing I wrote is nothing short of embarrassing, because it's a story that has been going for a while but never seen the light of the day. It sorts of sits inside my mind like a chalked water-- the chalk slowly settles down after being shaken like margaritas. The thing I'm embarrassed about is that, while the words flow down without problem, the story is pretty much yaoi. It's barely explicit, or even show anything other than interest. So, while I'm not continuing it other than inside my mind (I know I'll continue pairing up the characters, that's how I am), it's a good head start for me. I'm starting to feel confident about writing on papers. So, starting from tomorrow, I'll try to fill up some papers as I snatch words during small breaks. I could always count it as practice for NaNoWriMo.

Today is going along swimmingly.
I had a good laugh. I was on the cram school. Despite its name, no, it's not cruel. Indonesia has high academic standards anyway, and it's getting higher each year. So it was... History, about how Indonesia has to fight to keep its status as a free country.
There's a city in Java named Surabaya that is often dubbed "Kota Pahlawan", or roughly City of Heroes. Apparently the city endured many battles, even if Bandung was the one burned down. There's a song for that, Hallo Hallo Bandung. Anyway, there's this quite well-known statue of a fighting crocodile and shark in the city. The teacher was talking about the Battle of Surabaya, when a girl asked if it had anything to do with the statue of crocodile and catfish.
I pretty much doubled over laughing.
The legend said that the shark and crocodile fought for the title of the strongest animal. To think about a catfish fighting a crocodile was too much for me. Made my day.

And there's something I wrote a few days ago. It's just a short thing I've been wanting to expand, but I have yet to do so. It's pretty dreary for me, but the real reason is that I want to write it in Indonesian. The setting is Indonesian, and it's set in WW3 with several Islamic understanding of things. In Islam, WW3 is believed to be the Great war that is one of the signs of coming of (Big) Apocalypse. It will be a war between Jews (I think) and Muslims, and is relatively short (Only months) compared to the previous two, but it'll be the deadliest.

One thing I like about Indonesian language is that "You", "He", and "She" is all packed into one word that is "Kamu". I want my main character to be vague, and I don't want someone's dialogue identify him as male or female. Sadly, I'm bad at Indonesian prose so I'll stick with English until I learn enough Indonesian or finish the story. If the latter happen, I'll take it and talk to a friend to see if she could help me choose my words.

Anyway, a snippet of it...
Kulihat ia.

'Ini bukan perangmu.'

Dia tersenyum padaku.

'Perang ini memang bukan perang agamaku, tetapi ini perang negeriku.'

Kami pergi menghadap kematian, dan dia tidak kembali lagi.

He smiles at me. His gaze is understanding, wise. I can see that he is worn by age, but it only serves to teach him.

   'This war is not my religion's, but it is my country's.'

I feel a deepening respect for the man. During the ride to our post, we talk. We both then come face to face with death, and he does not come back. 

I fall to my knees.

The story is coming to an end. The war will continue, but this is the end of my story.

The war has taken its toll on me.

Blinded, I can only grasp around. I cannot even walk. Everything is ending.

Far away, I can hear birds trying to rise with their broken wings.

  The English parts are more developed than the Indonesian one. The Indonesian one is important, though, since it serves to be the foundation of everything. By the way, the bird part is, in fact, important. The name of the story is Sayap Sayap Patah, aka Broken Wings. Kahlil Gibran was on my mind when I started planning the story.

I suspect the main character is only stumbling around suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Spontaneous characters tend to do that. Heck, even the ones I know do that to me; acting strange and demanding me to change their labels. They grow up so fast.

Umm, before I forget, the climax is Israel announcing they will drop atomic bombs on Indonesia. I read somewhere that WW3 will be countries bombing each other with atomic bombs, and thus leading the world into destruction. Then Dajjal will come out and... Okay, I'll stop there. I'll never stop if I don't do that.
It's 10 in the evening, and I have to wake up before 5.15 for school, so Guten nacht!

the sky, inside and me

[Poem] of the day: 'Each man’s death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.'
-For Whom the Bells Tolls by John Donne

I'm calling the next few months Improvement Months.
Why? Well, I'm planning to go all out on refining my skills. I am going to experiment on my drawings and try writing. More and more.
More and more.

Of course, I can't make it as effective as I would've liked. Sure, I'm pretty lazy with homework. I admit that. But  I know I will be trying to boost up my grades. Not like it was bad last year, but I'll be honest, I want to top the grade. Can't a child live up to her parents' expectations?

Teachers tell me to be more than my parents. I don't need to be told twice-- I already have a huge dream. Others think of the chances they'll fulfil that, I think of HOW I'd get there. I've always been optimistic. Somehow, I'd get there.

I always wonder how the sky is like that. The universe is vast and dark. How come, when the sun shines on earth, the sky is a light blue? That question is close to home, but my mind is working on the angle to tilt the question. I suspect it has something to do with sun's rays getting filtered by the atmospheres, much like auroras, and looks blue. I think I read something like that about sunsets...
Back to topic, what I mean by the sky is the sky and universe. Look at supernovas! Such death is beautiful. Morbid, sad, but beautiful. I hope the stars can rest knowing they left their impressions inside the minds of men and other beings alike.

So when the sky divide open and become a red rose like (glowing) oil.
QS. 55 Ar Rahman : 37

That verse (ayat) is from the Qur'an, explaining about supernovas. I think that's how I got so fascinated with the universe. To me, knowledge is art. The more you know, the more things become beautiful. I can look outside and see a rainbow, and know that the falling rain and sun created it, but it never fails to retain its miracle-like impressions. I see through the eyes of a child I am.

Are you creative? Because I think I am. Whenever they show me a painting, or a picture, or a photo, I always see more than what is shown. Sometimes they show me a picture of nebula, and I see animals, and people, and sometimes they seem to be reaching for the stars, or embracing life. I love it. Universe stimulates both my mind and soul, and I just want to embrace it.

There is something undeniably alluring about knowledge. It tempts me, and it teaches me. Like a mentor, it  teaches me how everything come be, and like a lover, it shows me the beauty of it all. Knowledge is beautiful.

The sky is my role model. To be vast, knowledgeable and somehow be so mysterious!

 My dreams are set high, and its hung on a star 100 light years away. It's so far, so high, but I want to know everything between me and my dreams. Others can be dream of being a doctor, or teacher, or police, but I will still remain rigid in my seat and proclaim that I will attain the title of Professor. I want to be an astronomer, then become a psychologist to combine the beauty of universe and human minds. I will make my life a scientific art.

I believe in God, and my religion. I do not believe that humans are this majestic without a lent hand of a higher being. I believe in miracles, I believe in angels. Science and religions create a truly beautiful painting. I can see it in my heart- the bold and daring and calm, and the holy and sweet colours blending like colours in the sunset.

It think it would be nice if I can surpass my parents. Especially my father. I've always admired him for being so patient and sticks to his principles and stay so strong. I've been asking lots of impossible questions, so I think I'm doing good. A head start is always good! I have no time to waste on 'enjoying life as a teenager'. Well, not wasting, but I feel happier doing what I'm doing right now.
Arrivederci!

In one ear out the other

[Quote] of the day: "We are at a very serious moment dealing with very serious issues and we are not focusing on the name you give to potatoes."
-Nathalie Loisau

Okay, after seeing my News Feed filled with useless status about teenage girls and their jealousy issues, I'm starting to feel the need to say something.
'Ello guys. Might get disregarded because I never felt it, but I don't think the purpose of Love is to make you FALL hard and stay there till someone pick you up. I mean, it sounds... off. I personally think you guys should be sharing a mutual bond of trust, where there's no jealousy and such, and you LOOK OUT for each other. And I think it applies to all kind of love.

Sure, it might be hard. But it's not only trust that's lacking nowadays. People start to think that love means they should devote themselves. Yes, devotion is important, but so is letting your partner grow. You love your newly caught pet bird but taking away his freedom isn't something that sounds like love. Love should be willing. Other ways can be called Stockholm Syndrome.

The funny thing is, since they willingly commit, they STILL complain when they're not treated right. Do you think colonies nicely ask for fair treatment? I think the only one who did that and got away with it was Canada, seriously. They fight for their rights. If you're not willing to fight, then don't complain.

Yeah, I don't view highly of teenagers who claim to be able to love. Mhm, tell me that after you break up. I'm sure the stream of curses is not something a loving person would say. I don't claim to have a big heart but at least I'm nice to animals. Actually I think I'm nice to animals because people tend to piss me off. Animals are easy to sympathise with. Of course, that being said, I actually sympathise with people who did not do anything and yet received the raw end of the deal.

Speaking of such, you know how I'm nearly obsessed with knowing? I want to volunteer to teach the homeless. I've always liked to talk, especially about something I know. Maybe I can be more patient that way.

Mkay, that's all. See you sometime.

Classical Pieces and Countries

Fact of the day: If you do something for 28 days straight, it will become a habit.
(Better idea than a yearly resolution - make it monthly, one resolution per month)

Today I will just ramble instead of thinking too hard for something that screams 'OPTIMISTIC~~'
About 2 days ago, I played this quiz where you have to name countries you know. There are... 196 countries, I think, and I only got like what? 80?

That's where my sister came in. She intended to borrow the laptop, only to play for at least 2 hours. We had a crazy time memorising and then my mother joined in.
It was really fun. Dumb, but fun. My sister kept on saying Tonga in a strange dialect and ruining my concentration. Of course, I had to be the one typing. 12 minutes did seem meagre when you're trying and failing to type Kazakhstan. I had a better chance typing Liechtenstein, and I'm the only one who knows how to pronounce and write it. Kind of sad, if you ask me. (PS. I use sad as a synonym to pathetic, where the sad is like shaking your head in disappointment)

I'm the one who named about 95% of the Europe countries. I only forgot a few Micronations and some less-known countries. Former Soviet Unions, Western Europe, Nordics, however, I could name it on the top of my head. (Nobody remembers Vatican City! They need to read Angels&Demons)
My sister, surprisingly, knew most of Asia. She failed bad at Oceania and Africa. There's another reason why I'm the one typing: She couldn't even pronounce Guinea, much less Guinea-Bissau and I doubt her ability to type it. I don't even want to talk about Cote D'Ivoire.
My mother memorised the African ones. None of us knew much about south part of North America, between Mexico and Panama. (The only reason why I remember Panama is because of Panama Canal)

The fun part of everything is that... Nobody was serious. My sister kept on trying to memorise Saint Kitts and Nevis by comparing it to Charles&Keith. We had a time face-palming and panicking, with my sister repeating the same country every 3 countries she said.
In the end? We got 141 countries. And of course, being the one who typed, I remembered the most.
We need to do it again sometime. Preferably when my father's around - we'd probably get even more, since he's a diplomat and means he must know other countries.
It was one of the rare family times we had.

Call it Sadism, or Masochism--

-- or both, it's the same.

I'm talking about my like of reading sad story. Especially the Romance kind, where one is suffering abandonment complex or something similar. And it haunts him for life. And he is depressed.
It's just easier to feel something deeper reading sad stories. Maybe my heart wants to feel, or there's something addicting about the clenching of your heart, the agony.
Maybe I'm a masochist for liking it, or sadist for liking to see them suffer.

Most of my favorite characters are those being in a particularly bad positions. Canada, Prussia and Romano from Hetalia. It's never easy being cast aside. When you accept it- I think it's worse.

I sympathise a lot more than most people do, but I also dislike people more than others. Unlike other 13 years olds, I don't turn a blind eye to the cruel things people do. Abuse, animal or humans, abandonment, murders. Maybe because I actually bothered to know about them I'm like this. Out of place, never connecting with teenagers. Of course, having more interesting, brainistic things makes me turn a blind eye on socialising instead. What can an introvert do? You can't tell me to be extroverted.

Speaking of introversion and extroversion, please stop asking us introverts to be more talkative. We're born this way! It's like telling an ADHD to stop talking so much - useless, and pretty darn waste of time. Trust me, the way to gain our favor is to NOT ask us to talk. I'm saying this as a fairly extroverted introvert. I know this guy who talks so little everyone in the class claps when he talks. Apparently he talks like, once in a week? At least at class. I talk like a magnet train when someone ask me about something I know. Especially science. If that isn't at least extroverted, I don't know what else is.

Reading is a drug

1. Read! In the Name of your Lord, Who has created (all that exists),
2. He has created man from a clot 
3. Read! And your Lord is the Most Generous,
4. Who has taught (the writing) by the pen.
5. He has taught man that which he knew not.

Qur'an: Al-A'laq ayat 1-5

 If we go Islamic here, I've been doing the right thing. Read.
It became a sort of addiction.
It started pretty harmless; good, even. Bookworms, or anyone who reads, was/is rare, and I'm part of that rare category. Then I developed a sort of dependence to it, I think. If I don't read enough it's hard for me to sleep. I started to use strange things to hold some stories, like my MP4. There's fanfictions there. My Opera has at least 6 tabs open due to 3 fanfiction pages.
Yeah, not the epitome of good.
But the good side, is that I learn lots from reading all sort of things. Wikipedia, fanfictions, articles, lyrics. I actually learned about Seven Years War from a chorus. Hetalia means you'll be exposed to history. Well, the anime is about countries...
Back to track, I am actually ahead my teachers sometimes. Physics? Meh, I'm reading Quantum Physics. English reading? Miss, I finished the novel long ago. History? I read Hetalia fanfictions, what da ya expect?
 ...Yea, that's what I thought.
Anyways, now even my mother doesn't know how to answer my questions. I'm good. I asked her a lot of impossible questions. Moral of the story, don't be my teacher.
Well, I suppose I wrote enough. I'm doing this to get used to writing, since I have way too much imagination to not start a story.
Good bye?

Longing and childish hopes

My curiosity is unsatisfiable.
Of all things in the world, I want knowledge. I feel satisfied when I read, when I draw-- the latter because I feel like I have hidden little truths and because I feel like I gained insight.
But I have to ask, is it all in life?

What is the meaning of life?
That question is probably in the list of most-asked questions, but I truly mean it.
What is our purpose, why do we live?
Until the day I get the question answered by The Almighty, I shall say I live for knowledge.

But living with a fairly religious mother, it makes me wonder. Is wanting to know everything a sin?
It's just that... The Almighty is the One who knows all, and I feel like I just committed a crime for wanting to know something beyond normal humans' curiosity.
Maybe I am too young.

Let's talk about Hope.
Do you believe that life is worth it?
I do.
I feel that there's more, and like reading a fairly interesting book, there are some parts that interests me enough to urge me to read the rest.
Even if some parts are painful, embarrassing, downright shameful-- there's always the happy moments to lift me up to the skies.
I am a child at heart.

There are days where I wonder if everything is worth it, but I can answer them.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I love life.
I have been joining a Movement in GaiaOnline called "The Daffodil Movement" that is held every year. It is a movement where we remind people of others who suffer from cancer.
I was the Captain of Childhood cancer for two years.
If children can find Hope as their hair slowly fall, why can't I?
My life is beautiful. I have big dreams and I'm lucky enough to have good grades to help me. My parents are the best I can ask for. I will learn to cherish them all, because there's nothing better.
Life is like absolute darkness. When you were born, there was a firefly. That is your mother. Then there was another. That is your father. They are the first things that pushes you to keep living.
They keep on appearing as you find important things in life-- people, places, hopes.
They lighten your life, reminds you of what you will leave if you end your life.
I want to live life to the fullest.

Then maybe, I can learn the meaning of life, and everything beyond.