Letting Go

Fact of the day: By telling someone to 'not fall' off the tree, you are making him fall, because to not do it, he imagined falling. Instead, say, 'hold on tight!'
This is called "Toxic word".

I've always been terrified of letting go.
I don't see the point of hiding it now.

I don't have the best memory-capacity. Most of the time I tend to forget easily. On the other hand, I've always liked my memories, the time I spent with others. I don't want to forget them. I don't think my family knew that, since they told me I look too apathetic. I never told them what's wrong.

For someone who has been telling others to talk, I sure sound like a hypocrite. I just thought I could one day overcome it by myself. Apathy was something I didn't really expect, though. Maybe because I looked antisocial- but that happen when I feel uncomfortable with the company. Or maybe I looked rather "lost-in-the-clouds." Either way, it didn't feel nice, but I just shrug. It was my fault to begin with.

So sometimes I close the door or wait until late before I let myself huddle with a blanket and wallow in misery. They mostly involve reading fanfictions. I don't cry unless there's nobody home. I have a reputation to keep.

Speaking of reputation, do you know what was my reputations? Back when I was in 4/5th grade, my classmates thought I was weird because my friends regarded me as a third wheel. Not exactly nice, since I take my friends' beatings, but I let it slide. Then they simply avoided me without a reason. Naturally, I tried to ask why. It took me a while to embrace aloneness. Two years later my friend added me on Facebook, and asked, 'Why did we fight anyways?'
I laughed. I was tempted to write, 'It wasn't a fight, moron. You avoided me,' but instead, I wrote, 'I don't know either.'
Let the girl stay guiltless. I already let it go.

I moved to Jordan when I was in 5th grade, second semester. I stayed quiet, until some students got me angry. It was proven to be a bad idea. My first and favoured weapon was my jacket. Don't take it lightly- I put so much things inside its pocket, including but not only chains of my key, wallet, LOTS of coins, and such. Turned I wasn't so quiet after all. None of the teachers knew, except maybe some who had seen me but never said anything. I think it had something to do with my quietness at class (and grades), my Math teacher didn't believe it when someone reported me being violent. He was called ridiculous for even suggesting such thing.
My reputation was not a good one among students. Teachers loved me.

Last year I accepted my introversion. I began to feel more at ease being who I am. I surrounded myself in knowledge, content with just learning. Of course, there's no such thing as an extrovert who understood introverts. Others regarded me as a queer person, with my ability to talk English better than teachers, and all the things I talked about. Months ago a friend told me what others thought of me- I was too ahead of others,  in a way they can't keep up. I thanked her.
But my bad reputation went on far before that. A guy thought it was funny to bully. I challenged him.

I was the first one, let alone a girl, who dared to go against him.
And apparently running after someone shouting obscenities in English made others think twice before approaching me.

I think I'm actually nicer than others think. I try to help others, and I am more sensitive than most. Sure, I'm stern, but only when I think others are doing something wrong. I think bullying is wrong. I show it.
Being loyal hurts you when other didn't think twice before casting you aside. But at least it shows that you are not as shallow as them.

Back to letting go of the past, I used to have problems with the thought. I thought that letting go meant I would have to forget what made me Me. Letting go of people who didn't care for me might sound easy, but they were my friend. A part of me even asked why I thought they were friends when they didn't even care when I left school.
The scariest part of letting go was the thought if I let go, would that leave me with nothing when the person die? It scared me so much, the thoughts of my parents dying. Sometimes I even cried. Haha, yeah, I'm a sissy.

Now I handled it better though. I see that letting go is merely freeing yourself from chains that held you back from doing something.

I guess I changed a lot in a few years. I'm a proud introvert and the resident queer girl, but nobody picked on me because I can put up quite a debate. Usually I end it with a smile and, 'Teaches you to not debate about something you don't know, hon.'
And as usual, nobody understood.
Right now I'm putting up an extroverted front and calling introverts around me. My goal is to make them comfortable being THEM, because yes, they are special. No, they don't have to change their nature to better fit the society. Although, I might have made them do what they think is right.
Vox Veritas Vita - Speak truth as a way of life.
Spread truth around! Now I shall go and buy myself food before my grandma won't let me.

-The queer girlie who laughs at other's state.

Classical Pieces and Countries

Fact of the day: If you do something for 28 days straight, it will become a habit.
(Better idea than a yearly resolution - make it monthly, one resolution per month)

Today I will just ramble instead of thinking too hard for something that screams 'OPTIMISTIC~~'
About 2 days ago, I played this quiz where you have to name countries you know. There are... 196 countries, I think, and I only got like what? 80?

That's where my sister came in. She intended to borrow the laptop, only to play for at least 2 hours. We had a crazy time memorising and then my mother joined in.
It was really fun. Dumb, but fun. My sister kept on saying Tonga in a strange dialect and ruining my concentration. Of course, I had to be the one typing. 12 minutes did seem meagre when you're trying and failing to type Kazakhstan. I had a better chance typing Liechtenstein, and I'm the only one who knows how to pronounce and write it. Kind of sad, if you ask me. (PS. I use sad as a synonym to pathetic, where the sad is like shaking your head in disappointment)

I'm the one who named about 95% of the Europe countries. I only forgot a few Micronations and some less-known countries. Former Soviet Unions, Western Europe, Nordics, however, I could name it on the top of my head. (Nobody remembers Vatican City! They need to read Angels&Demons)
My sister, surprisingly, knew most of Asia. She failed bad at Oceania and Africa. There's another reason why I'm the one typing: She couldn't even pronounce Guinea, much less Guinea-Bissau and I doubt her ability to type it. I don't even want to talk about Cote D'Ivoire.
My mother memorised the African ones. None of us knew much about south part of North America, between Mexico and Panama. (The only reason why I remember Panama is because of Panama Canal)

The fun part of everything is that... Nobody was serious. My sister kept on trying to memorise Saint Kitts and Nevis by comparing it to Charles&Keith. We had a time face-palming and panicking, with my sister repeating the same country every 3 countries she said.
In the end? We got 141 countries. And of course, being the one who typed, I remembered the most.
We need to do it again sometime. Preferably when my father's around - we'd probably get even more, since he's a diplomat and means he must know other countries.
It was one of the rare family times we had.

Reading is a drug

1. Read! In the Name of your Lord, Who has created (all that exists),
2. He has created man from a clot 
3. Read! And your Lord is the Most Generous,
4. Who has taught (the writing) by the pen.
5. He has taught man that which he knew not.

Qur'an: Al-A'laq ayat 1-5

 If we go Islamic here, I've been doing the right thing. Read.
It became a sort of addiction.
It started pretty harmless; good, even. Bookworms, or anyone who reads, was/is rare, and I'm part of that rare category. Then I developed a sort of dependence to it, I think. If I don't read enough it's hard for me to sleep. I started to use strange things to hold some stories, like my MP4. There's fanfictions there. My Opera has at least 6 tabs open due to 3 fanfiction pages.
Yeah, not the epitome of good.
But the good side, is that I learn lots from reading all sort of things. Wikipedia, fanfictions, articles, lyrics. I actually learned about Seven Years War from a chorus. Hetalia means you'll be exposed to history. Well, the anime is about countries...
Back to track, I am actually ahead my teachers sometimes. Physics? Meh, I'm reading Quantum Physics. English reading? Miss, I finished the novel long ago. History? I read Hetalia fanfictions, what da ya expect?
 ...Yea, that's what I thought.
Anyways, now even my mother doesn't know how to answer my questions. I'm good. I asked her a lot of impossible questions. Moral of the story, don't be my teacher.
Well, I suppose I wrote enough. I'm doing this to get used to writing, since I have way too much imagination to not start a story.
Good bye?

Longing and childish hopes

My curiosity is unsatisfiable.
Of all things in the world, I want knowledge. I feel satisfied when I read, when I draw-- the latter because I feel like I have hidden little truths and because I feel like I gained insight.
But I have to ask, is it all in life?

What is the meaning of life?
That question is probably in the list of most-asked questions, but I truly mean it.
What is our purpose, why do we live?
Until the day I get the question answered by The Almighty, I shall say I live for knowledge.

But living with a fairly religious mother, it makes me wonder. Is wanting to know everything a sin?
It's just that... The Almighty is the One who knows all, and I feel like I just committed a crime for wanting to know something beyond normal humans' curiosity.
Maybe I am too young.

Let's talk about Hope.
Do you believe that life is worth it?
I do.
I feel that there's more, and like reading a fairly interesting book, there are some parts that interests me enough to urge me to read the rest.
Even if some parts are painful, embarrassing, downright shameful-- there's always the happy moments to lift me up to the skies.
I am a child at heart.

There are days where I wonder if everything is worth it, but I can answer them.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I love life.
I have been joining a Movement in GaiaOnline called "The Daffodil Movement" that is held every year. It is a movement where we remind people of others who suffer from cancer.
I was the Captain of Childhood cancer for two years.
If children can find Hope as their hair slowly fall, why can't I?
My life is beautiful. I have big dreams and I'm lucky enough to have good grades to help me. My parents are the best I can ask for. I will learn to cherish them all, because there's nothing better.
Life is like absolute darkness. When you were born, there was a firefly. That is your mother. Then there was another. That is your father. They are the first things that pushes you to keep living.
They keep on appearing as you find important things in life-- people, places, hopes.
They lighten your life, reminds you of what you will leave if you end your life.
I want to live life to the fullest.

Then maybe, I can learn the meaning of life, and everything beyond.